Country Rules for City Girls... (12 thru 16)

12. Forget about the pretty bed linens with the floral designs. You won't want to use them because it's very hard to see a scorpion or a spider crawling on the sheets in the midst of all those flowers. From now on, buy just plain no-pattern sheets.  As for the floral linens, either donate them to the nearest thrift store or use them to cover up your cute little city-car in the garage so the cats don't get paw-prints on the windshield.

13. When you hear the cows moo-ing in the neighbors' pastures, don't stand out on the porch and listen to them because it will only make you sad.  Content cows do not roam around the field moo-ing their hearts out... they're looking for their calves which have probably been taken to market. Go inside the house and close the door. I repeat:  Just go inside the house and close the door. You cannot save the world.

14. Don't attempt to spray a wasp nest in the afternoon when the sun is out and the temperature is nice and warm.  Wasps are less active very early in the morning, especially in cooler temperatures. That's the best time to empty an entire can of spray on a wasp nest that's about one-inch in diameter.  At all times, keep at least half a dozen cans of wasp spray in the garage.

15. Do not use water from a garden hose to destroy a mound of fire ants.  What happens is that sixteen million ants come flooding out of that mound all at once, and they're angry as hell at being interrupted in their mound-construction. They'll swim out of that water and head straight for your ankles, and by the time you feel the first bite, you'll have 38 other ants on your legs and you'll end up spraying yourself with the hose as you're trying to swat away the fire ants.  And there you will be, with mascara running down your face and ant bites on your ankles, and that's about when a neighbor will pull into your driveway and say something like "Isn't this just the most beautiful day?"

16. About that mascara... don't give it up.  If you moved out to the country with mascara in your make-up box, then don't abandon it for the country-natural look.  When you look into your mirror every morning, the first thing you want to see is the city girl you've known for all of your adult life.  And that means mascara, and lipstick, and a bit of eye shadow, and whatever else your city-girl self is used to.  You can take the city girl out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the girl.